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Thursday, May 05, 2011

Clyde has left the building

I've been telling people for two years that I would probably take early retirement when I became eligible. I didn't quite make it that far. Last week I accelerated my retirement for medical reasons. I will use up all of my vacation and sick leave then I will officially be retired. April 29 was my last day with the college.

I've had a growing dissatisfaction with my life and my work for several years. Without question the protracted chaos in the office has contributed to my increasing malaise. For many months I have been suffering from anxiety, an inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, loss of motivation, and depression. Last week I had serious "panic attack". It wasn't the first panic attack I've had, only this one didn't go away. The following morning I decided it was in my best interest, and in the best interest of the college, that I move on sooner than planned. While my departure is amicable, after 4 years as a work study and 24 years as an FTE, it is still a little bitter sweet. During my time there I've: pulled cable, wired jacks, spun tape, done cold starts of mainframes and minis, written code in Z80, PDP11 and 370 assembler, JCL, BASIC, FORTRAN, Pascal, COBOL, Natural, SQL, C/C++, JAVA, UNIX shell, and HTML. My code has run scanners, built and manipulated image files, and created over 150,000 user accounts. I've managed firewalls, routers, IDS, network scanners, and written dozens of policies. I've accomplished a lot professionally but I'm used up and burned out. It's time for a new direction. This may not have been the most practical decision, but it is the best decision for me. I have not had as much successes in the personal and social realms of my life. This is an opportunity for me to do some serious soul searching. I have to save my soul and re-invent myself. I want to invent someone who is mindful and compassionate at his very core and build a future from that. I'm not looking for another "job", I'm looking for meaning, passion and soul. Now, to create that future.